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Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard.

1,035 Following   412,852 Followers   6,320 Tweets

Join Twitter 3/25/08

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@kayhanley Yes yes yes
9/14
2014
After my 500th viewing of "Frozen," I'm rooting for Prince Hans.
9/13
2014
@minhalbaig Thank you so much! So excited to see what you do in this industry.@BittrScrptReadr @MuseZack @johngary The moment Sarah sees him and freaks out... amazing.@lizwgarcia (Yes, I'm shallow.)@lizwgarcia Pretty picture!@lizmeriwether u up@lizmeriwether k 😉@lizmeriwether hiI had a shitty dream last night that I called 911 and the dispatcher was noodling on a classical guitar and telling me to "be more chill."
9/12
2014
OH NO, NOW IT'S "BEAST OF BURDEN"! Do these people know my entire set list?!@BittrScrptReadr or the "Cheers" episode when the dog attacks whenever anyone says "Geronimo."I'm writing in a bar, and they just put on "Armageddon It," and I had to suppress the Pavlovian instinct to give someone a lap dance.I admire classic filmmakers. They make me want to step up my game. For instance, Orson Welles would be on his 5th BLT & scotch at this hour.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@jillianharris my wife @diablocody and I love you, and we have an "open concept" marriage, just FYI ;)
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
9/11
2014
@BaileyJayTweets Likewise, girl.All us old weirdos who've been dealing with online shit since the '90s think your "modern" thinkpieces about your hurt feelings are cute.@SarahSoWitty I'm pretty sure you created the universe, so obvi.@Sw33tDickWillie You would think I had two adults.CONFESSION: Sometimes I'll casually leave a Tampax Ultra wrapper lying out so people will know how big I am. ;)
9/10
2014
If we're being honest, I wish I was a little less about that bass.@LuckyMcKee iPad was for the ladies.@jlerwin HA!Do you think anyone has put the watch on their penis yet, and if not, who will be first#HamburgerPhone
9/9
2014
@wjmaggos He's just got a lot going on in that head of his.I can't wait to see "Love & Mercy." Brian Wilson is my hero.@AndyMilonakis That sounds fucking awesome.@ozwalled "Italian Wedding" was a coconutty-cake confection...I found a saved document on my computer that's just Ben & Jerry's flavors I invented while stoned.Jill is the Warmest Duggar
9/8
2014
@kellyoxford @oliviawilde @SarahThyre @campsucks you guys know I hate movies, right?
9/7
2014
@sepinwall @mattselman OK, then can we talk about "Emily Elizabeth" insisting that everybody call her that?HELLBRINGER McSHITDUMP, THE BIG RED BLIGHT ON YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, is what I'd call him.@mattselman Really?If a monstrously huge red dog came into my possession, I wouldn't name it fucking "Clifford."I dreamed @robdelaney and I were at the airport. Gate attendant says "Now pre-boarding #ChristianDadsWhoVape" and Rob was like, bye. #true@staceyfarber18 Thank you!!! xo
9/6
2014
@tomcunningham charmer!Bruno Mars never talks about his love life because we're very private people.@louisvirtel "By noon, I was hungrier than Mira Sorvino in pre-production for 'Mimic.'"@MysteryExec I am never chill around the Mother Goddess!.@diablocody is known and loved at her local Taco Bell. Read more in her @grubstreet diet here http://t.co/ZNnr79oEXq http://t.co/V8nrkODVxT
Retweeted by Diablo CodyGreg Evigan was the dad.
9/5
2014
@JasonReitman With world's bitchiest podcast...@JasonReitman I don't understand why you would want to make people feel that way again.@JasonReitman Are you taking questions right now?@bobbyfinger Diana officiated the ceremony AND performed at the reception. I'm glad it was about her, as it should be.
9/3
2014
@jennyandteets I like being the fat mom in child's pose while everyone else keeps up.@julieklausner @billyeichner If Julie's not fully committed to this idea, I guess that makes you guys a cop and a half.@rachsyme This outfit is so intimidating to me that it wouldn't be a vacation.@rachsyme she def overpacked.I just told my brother about the celebrity hacking thing and he goes "Did they get Courtney Thorne-Smith?"worth it RT @Playboy Meet the LA residents who waited nearly 24 hours for their city's first Dunkin' Donuts - http://t.co/lERSNCVJNz
9/2
2014
THE 1 GUY FROM ZZ TOP WHO DOESN'T HAVE A BEARD HAS THE LAST NAME "BEARD."@BittrScrptReadr SO GOOD.
9/1
2014
Oh no, boobs!!!
8/31
2014
Actually, I would put a bumper sticker on a Bentley.
8/30
2014
Remember when we first heard Sir Mix-a-Lot compare his dong to a snake? Thanks to "Anaconda", we can relive that joy with our children.
8/29
2014
iPhone just autocorrected "Khalifa" to "Karloff," because my texts about Frankenstein clearly outnumber my texts about hip-hop.
8/27
2014
If you've ever dreamed of seeing me, @Alanis, and Buzz Aldrin on the same stage, you may want to tune into E! at 11 tonight. #ChelseaFinaleI bet the person who came up with the term "blow job" did it just to confuse generations of fourth-graders."NEVER apologize for being too drunk. We don't do that in this family!" - Inspirational speech from my husband this morning.
8/26
2014
This is badass. She's 81. Don't give up. http://t.co/oXBfTjtyQS@julieklausner @LucindaLunacy HUMAN-FACED JESTER OF LOVE!The character I play when I'm parenting in front of other people is such a great mom.
8/25
2014
@BigAlPeoplesPal Hi!!!@DJAngieC <3 :)@JenKirkman Oh, it's real and Pat's talkin'.Take my money, Pat O'Brien's memoir.
8/22
2014
@fuggirls I miss Saloon Wench Christina.
8/19
2014
@JenKirkman ILY!
8/16
2014
@staceyoristano The Proclaimers wrote the lyrics MY GOD I'M SO OLD...@louisvirtel I'm sure I've told you this, but I used to legit bawl to that song in my guilty St. Cyril's days.
8/14
2014
@sepinwall Larry always caught on quickly; see the "Bibbi Babka" episode.@kellyoxford Unfortunately, my whole life is vodka.@tobyherman27 I will always associate those two movies with each other. It was the golden age of Portman.@tobyherman27 I love your "casual" knowledge of this film.@tobyherman27 I swear she named the baby Comerica?Wasn't this a Natalie Portman movie where she had a toilet baby or something? @ap 14-year-old boy lives at a WalMart: http://t.co/NKByq7ilhl"If you can't handle me at my blurst, then you don't deserve to see my vest." -- Mr. Burns on Facebook@TaliaG28 that is super nice, thank you!@DrGMLaTulippe Aww, thanks!"It's Charging: Helping Children Cope With Separation From the iPad."
8/13
2014
@MarissaARoss This is my 24/7/365 look!
8/12
2014
@ChrisSerico http://t.co/tCPEuxs20OThis is exceptionally powerful. Spend some of your day reading through these. http://t.co/aHDxEhvvol
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
8/11
2014
I'm not here to start no trouble, I'm just here to do the #Supermoon Shuffle.@MysteryDirectrx @TheBlackBoard LOVE. Did a post in this vein a couple of years ago; the swap idea fascinates me. http://t.co/LVs45W1ByL
8/10
2014
@BrianLynch @sesamestreet Trying so hard to come up with a "two-hander"/puppeteering joke; failing.IS it possible for someone to invent a cord from the handset to the Telephone that does NOT tangle itself to death ??
Retweeted by Diablo Cody90s KIDS: Remember how Flintstone's Push-Ups came with their own applicator so you didn't have to touch your pussy?@jill7298 I agree. It's so good, it's distracting.Guys, two of the Duggars just went gluten-free.@EricIGN I'm giving it a chance! I'm still excited. Also, maybe I'll get offered the "California Dreams" movie.Screech: "You're such a prick." Slater: "Why don't you say that to my face?" BUT HE JUST DID. http://t.co/nYvccTqbW5
8/8
2014
@hipstermermaid I haven't thought about them in a long time. Would love one of those tiny bananas...I could really go for some Runts right now.Lucky me, had lunch w& spilled the tea with @jeffytee! http://t.co/K6QypAwlPsYESSS "@THR: Rick Springfield to Rock Out With Meryl Streep in 'Ricki and the Flash' http://t.co/6RJ6wxMpaY
8/7
2014
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