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News Editor (whatever that is) at @empiremagazine, host of the Empire Podcast, and all-round Q&A-hole. It's ok. I wouldn't follow me either.

751 Following   20,162 Followers   48,188 Tweets

Join Twitter 2/11/09

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So much to discuss in the Age Of Ultron trailer. The only way I'll be able to do a breakdown is by cloning myself. Or I'll have a breakdown.@UpturnedBathtub I liked this one. Nobody else did. *cries* https://t.co/KEqmG5YeFtOk, so I've just seen the new Avengers trailer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be alone. Leave me. LEAVE ME, I SAY!Waiting to talk to @GeoffLloyd on @absoluteradio. While I'm waiting... What's that? A new Avengers trailer, eh? Oh, go on then.A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers please!"
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@therealobimoo @empiremagazine @AliPlumb That is so weird, because Ali and I were walking together about a minute ago. But not there.39%! This is incredible! I'm gonna be a real boy!Together we can unlock the brand new @ChrisHewitt. Tweet using #ChrisHewittAssemble so we get it faster!
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@Murreey It's actually gone down. Weird.I am currently only 37% unlocked.@NeillCobain @olly_richards "Oh, crap."@olly_richards NAH, FORGET MY LAWYER.@Lazbotron Bit of blue for the dads.You had me at Goldblum, Independence Day 2. Roland Emmerich needn't bother casting anyone else. One-man show the hell out of that thing.@bark_keith Not the bit where you have an argument with your wife, mind. The bit where she filled your Sky box with M... I'll come in again.@bark_keith I hope this is true.@Okeating His mother was a jackal. You'd think he'd have more understanding for what beasts go through.@Okeating Thanks. It's a good omen.@DapperDan I'm still working my way through the Trevor McDonald season. Classic stuff.Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast; for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666. Calls cost £1 a minute.My Sky box is full. I knew I shouldn't have put News At Ten on series link.This tweet is not only hilarious, but also makes you think about stuff too.@Zappabeefheart @NickMotown @kerihw Oh Jesus. I do that. I guess I'd better vote UKIP now.I'm not comparing my twitter output to War and Peace. At least 3 - 4% of my tweets are bullshit. But still.
Retweeted by Chris HewittI've written ~70k tweets. Typical average number of words in a tweet is 12. So that's ~840,000 words. War and Peace is only 540,000 words.
Retweeted by Chris HewittMy attacker had thin arms. Thin legs. Thin body? Yes. Was his face a circle with a frown? Yes! STICK FIGURE COP: Sounds like our guy, chief.A barman walks into a stable. Horse says, "Why the round face?"
Retweeted by Chris HewittDon’t forget to watch Critical on Sky One again tonight and you might see our great Capsule Sackholders in action! http://t.co/vd8S1SoODG
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt
3/4
2015
Odenkirk was at maximum Odenkirk on this week's Better Call Saul. Top Odenkirking.I wanted to bid on that Walking Dead town, but they won't ship to the UK. #sadface@UpturnedBathtub House would take one look at your finger there and diagnose you with something truly fucking horrible. Possibly lethal.@RachaelPriorMBE I stroked two dogs on my way home, and it was awesome. I realise that sounds a bit Brick Tamland, but there it is.I can't do #90sTen because they didn't make ten Problem Child movies.[Meeting] *starts PowerPoint* *photo of me in a bathing suit comes up* "Oops sorry." *changes slide to me totally nude.* "There we go."
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@debsberry It got worse just after you guys went home. WHAT FUN.This just in: today has been a right bastard. Shame on you, today. Shame on you."I'm a freelance minotaur" "How much do you charge?" "Not very often"
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@ben_cameron @mrnickharvey That is just lovely.@michaelhogan Was that his pledge?I can't believe someone managed to capture this perfect shot of a woodpecker riding a horse. http://t.co/al2bQWlrMF
Retweeted by Chris HewittJust noticed this. It had somehow flown under my radar. Heck of a book to adapt. http://t.co/mtSWd3w5IUGive up now, Ant & Dec. You will never top this: http://t.co/MumaO2b0gW
Retweeted by Chris HewittWe love this breakdown of Colin Firth's breakdown in Kingsman's church scene. Hats off, @george_hatzis. #spoilers http://t.co/uRHkjZcf9e
Retweeted by Chris HewittThe Fifth Heart by Dan Simmons: coming soon. Holmes & Henry James team up, while Sherlock begins to suspect he’s fictional. SOLD.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@M_S_Markham @AliPlumb Why, have you found something? Whatever's in there had nothing to do with me.@ojedge I lifted up the doormat to find a piece of paper. It simply said, 'Note to self: doormats are a great place to hide spare keys'I just locked myself out of my flat for the first time in my life. Rehearsals for What A Fucking Idiots are going swimmingly.The inventor of the hem-line died. It was a lovely funeral. Everyone who knew her turned up.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@TeaAndCopy Ooh! Kit-Kat Dennings. #ChocolateActorsThis might explain where Gene Hackman has been for the last few years. 'Retired', eh? Don't worry, Lex. Your secret's safe with me. *winks*@simon_lindsell #politics #satire #softcockIf Superman hadn't interfered, Lex Luthor would be celebrating his 35th anniversary as ruler of Australia. Wonder how he would have got on.@1MattD I make no apologies.I was working on a gag about General Zod's mute sidekick ordering a prawn cocktail, but it's a Non-starter.
3/3
2015
I wonder if Magic Johnson regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career
Retweeted by Chris HewittI wonder what this show is about? *reads synopsis* Ok, got it, thanks. http://t.co/ycnyy2cjHp"Pete's coming for dinner tonight." "Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?" [Massive thud] "I'll just check."
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt[job interview] Me: Time travel Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Retweeted by Chris HewittCharming obit for a charming script supervisor. Amazing photo with Brosnan. (via @Krizanovich) http://t.co/8YgscYXaSG http://t.co/FkLq8OAY87
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@EndhooS What a slacker. Outrageous.@stevefitz77 @MooseAllain Jeepers. That arguably takes more time and effort to write than best regards.@EndhooS It's hard to hang in mid-air without at least taking a course beforehand.@The_No_Show Oh yeah! *updates journal*@HelenLOHara If I recall correctly, we were on our way to an Avin' A Laugh seminar.The Empire Podcast team celebrates another successful recording session. I love these guys. http://t.co/Tl1yA8nBi4@EthanRunt I don't know what you mean. http://t.co/ydHqP0WQSQSEE, THIS IS A BETTER PICTURE OF THE EMPIRE PODCAST TEAM. MAINLY BECAUSE I AM IN THIS ONE. @empiremagazine http://t.co/w4vivRoHkcThe first #EmpirePodcast was published today, three years ago. So... happy pod-day! http://t.co/oBHFglV4rb http://t.co/L7s1GUU1xI
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@blackhawkso @empiremagazine No. It's in focus.@empiremagazine WHY THE HELL AM I NOT IN THIS PICTURE?"0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34. Ready or not, here I come!" Fibonacci Hide and Sequence
Retweeted by Chris HewittHere's a first look at Matt Damon in our new film The Martian. Enjoy. http://t.co/7poqSBhVeK
Retweeted by Chris HewittShazam, but to see if people in the distance are waving at you or someone else.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@ChrisHewitt The nadir of the series: It Sends You A Direct Message That You Don't See For Ages Because Who Looks At Direct Messages?
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@LGrima The IFCU, that is. I can't believe I fucked up the name I coined.@LGrima The potential of the ITCU is almost limitless.2015: It Follows 2016: It Unfollows 2018: It Manually Retweets 2020: It Blocks And Reports For Spam #ItFollowsCinematicUniverseDid Robin just call Batman a dickhead?! http://t.co/WbMOOTbmeX #DickheadandRobin
Retweeted by Chris HewittI had to punch my Nan 8 times before we finally caught the perfect freeze frame photograph like the one at the end of Rocky.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@chuckmcduck @alex_dunnett This is terribly exciting news. The man's a legend. As is Mel Brooks.@chuckmcduck Blimey, that's amazing. You involved, Mr. McDuck?@HelenLOHara Dear God.@laurenlaverne @stuarthoughton @thepooluk Amazing to see it all coming together. I offer you my greatest 'HUZZAH!'@greg_jenner @john_self Love it. Self-love it.[at interview] "What is your dream job?" *visualises dressing pugs as famous historical characters* Me: HR Manager.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@greg_jenner @john_self I'm closing in on 50,000 tweets. I might hold a huge 50,000th Tweet party, then take a selfie at the crucial moment.@greg_jenner My money's on the first one. Well deserved!@Okeating Absolutely. A big clue is how he always turns up at the scene of the crime. Suspicious.@Okeating It's the guy in the shabby mac.Very happy to announce that i've renewed my contract with asda and will continue working weekends for the near future http://t.co/PKOWnWtncT
Retweeted by Chris HewittThese Beatles albums at @InkwellYork are great examples of how record sleeves had to be awkwardly reworked for tapes. http://t.co/NRlBakhJP9
Retweeted by Chris HewittDCI Putin will be *furious* RT @MatthewS774: @jamesmatesitv: 4 cameras on #Nemstov murder bridge. None was working http://t.co/NEXBmCmYUX
Retweeted by Chris HewittIf you sit on your parents until they go numb, it feels like they're bitterly disappointed in someone else.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@devincf Man says word. I'm holding all available front pages.
3/2
2015
Three years to go http://t.co/trsLh5kvvu
Retweeted by Chris Hewitte e cummings did pretty well for a person named after dolphins ejaculating
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@WithoutTheIca It's a tenner, Jess.Seriously, look at it. JUST LOOK AT IT. @flatironsteak http://t.co/m74wofJETnEven though it's just around the corner from my work, I hadn't been to @flatironsteak until today. It's as magnificent as a Coutinho winner.@erichstrat There's no need to. People know. People *know*.
3/1
2015
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