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News Editor (whatever that is) at @empiremagazine, host of the Empire Podcast, and all-round Q&A-hole. It's ok. I wouldn't follow me either.

751 Following   20,162 Followers   48,188 Tweets

Join Twitter 2/11/09

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So much to discuss in the Age Of Ultron trailer. The only way I'll be able to do a breakdown is by cloning myself. Or I'll have a breakdown.@UpturnedBathtub I liked this one. Nobody else did. *cries* https://t.co/KEqmG5YeFtOk, so I've just seen the new Avengers trailer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be alone. Leave me. LEAVE ME, I SAY!Waiting to talk to @GeoffLloyd on @absoluteradio. While I'm waiting... What's that? A new Avengers trailer, eh? Oh, go on then.A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers please!"
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@therealobimoo @empiremagazine @AliPlumb That is so weird, because Ali and I were walking together about a minute ago. But not there.39%! This is incredible! I'm gonna be a real boy!Together we can unlock the brand new @ChrisHewitt. Tweet using #ChrisHewittAssemble so we get it faster!
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@Murreey It's actually gone down. Weird.I am currently only 37% unlocked.@NeillCobain @olly_richards "Oh, crap."@olly_richards NAH, FORGET MY LAWYER.@Lazbotron Bit of blue for the dads.You had me at Goldblum, Independence Day 2. Roland Emmerich needn't bother casting anyone else. One-man show the hell out of that thing.@bark_keith Not the bit where you have an argument with your wife, mind. The bit where she filled your Sky box with M... I'll come in again.@bark_keith I hope this is true.@Okeating His mother was a jackal. You'd think he'd have more understanding for what beasts go through.@Okeating Thanks. It's a good omen.@DapperDan I'm still working my way through the Trevor McDonald season. Classic stuff.Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast; for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666. Calls cost £1 a minute.My Sky box is full. I knew I shouldn't have put News At Ten on series link.This tweet is not only hilarious, but also makes you think about stuff too.@Zappabeefheart @NickMotown @kerihw Oh Jesus. I do that. I guess I'd better vote UKIP now.I'm not comparing my twitter output to War and Peace. At least 3 - 4% of my tweets are bullshit. But still.
Retweeted by Chris HewittI've written ~70k tweets. Typical average number of words in a tweet is 12. So that's ~840,000 words. War and Peace is only 540,000 words.
Retweeted by Chris HewittMy attacker had thin arms. Thin legs. Thin body? Yes. Was his face a circle with a frown? Yes! STICK FIGURE COP: Sounds like our guy, chief.A barman walks into a stable. Horse says, "Why the round face?"
Retweeted by Chris HewittDon’t forget to watch Critical on Sky One again tonight and you might see our great Capsule Sackholders in action! http://t.co/vd8S1SoODG
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt
Odenkirk was at maximum Odenkirk on this week's Better Call Saul. Top Odenkirking.I wanted to bid on that Walking Dead town, but they won't ship to the UK. #sadface@UpturnedBathtub House would take one look at your finger there and diagnose you with something truly fucking horrible. Possibly lethal.@RachaelPriorMBE I stroked two dogs on my way home, and it was awesome. I realise that sounds a bit Brick Tamland, but there it is.I can't do #90sTen because they didn't make ten Problem Child movies.[Meeting] *starts PowerPoint* *photo of me in a bathing suit comes up* "Oops sorry." *changes slide to me totally nude.* "There we go."
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@debsberry It got worse just after you guys went home. WHAT FUN.This just in: today has been a right bastard. Shame on you, today. Shame on you."I'm a freelance minotaur" "How much do you charge?" "Not very often"
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@ben_cameron @mrnickharvey That is just lovely.@michaelhogan Was that his pledge?I can't believe someone managed to capture this perfect shot of a woodpecker riding a horse. http://t.co/al2bQWlrMF
Retweeted by Chris HewittJust noticed this. It had somehow flown under my radar. Heck of a book to adapt. http://t.co/mtSWd3w5IUGive up now, Ant & Dec. You will never top this: http://t.co/MumaO2b0gW
Retweeted by Chris HewittWe love this breakdown of Colin Firth's breakdown in Kingsman's church scene. Hats off, @george_hatzis. #spoilers http://t.co/uRHkjZcf9e
Retweeted by Chris HewittThe Fifth Heart by Dan Simmons: coming soon. Holmes & Henry James team up, while Sherlock begins to suspect he’s fictional. SOLD.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@M_S_Markham @AliPlumb Why, have you found something? Whatever's in there had nothing to do with me.@ojedge I lifted up the doormat to find a piece of paper. It simply said, 'Note to self: doormats are a great place to hide spare keys'I just locked myself out of my flat for the first time in my life. Rehearsals for What A Fucking Idiots are going swimmingly.The inventor of the hem-line died. It was a lovely funeral. Everyone who knew her turned up.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@TeaAndCopy Ooh! Kit-Kat Dennings. #ChocolateActorsThis might explain where Gene Hackman has been for the last few years. 'Retired', eh? Don't worry, Lex. Your secret's safe with me. *winks*@simon_lindsell #politics #satire #softcockIf Superman hadn't interfered, Lex Luthor would be celebrating his 35th anniversary as ruler of Australia. Wonder how he would have got on.@1MattD I make no apologies.I was working on a gag about General Zod's mute sidekick ordering a prawn cocktail, but it's a Non-starter.
I wonder if Magic Johnson regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career
Retweeted by Chris HewittI wonder what this show is about? *reads synopsis* Ok, got it, thanks. http://t.co/ycnyy2cjHp"Pete's coming for dinner tonight." "Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?" [Massive thud] "I'll just check."
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt[job interview] Me: Time travel Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Retweeted by Chris HewittCharming obit for a charming script supervisor. Amazing photo with Brosnan. (via @Krizanovich) http://t.co/8YgscYXaSG http://t.co/FkLq8OAY87
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@EndhooS What a slacker. Outrageous.@stevefitz77 @MooseAllain Jeepers. That arguably takes more time and effort to write than best regards.@EndhooS It's hard to hang in mid-air without at least taking a course beforehand.@The_No_Show Oh yeah! *updates journal*@HelenLOHara If I recall correctly, we were on our way to an Avin' A Laugh seminar.The Empire Podcast team celebrates another successful recording session. I love these guys. http://t.co/Tl1yA8nBi4@EthanRunt I don't know what you mean. http://t.co/ydHqP0WQSQSEE, THIS IS A BETTER PICTURE OF THE EMPIRE PODCAST TEAM. MAINLY BECAUSE I AM IN THIS ONE. @empiremagazine http://t.co/w4vivRoHkcThe first #EmpirePodcast was published today, three years ago. So... happy pod-day! http://t.co/oBHFglV4rb http://t.co/L7s1GUU1xI
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@blackhawkso @empiremagazine No. It's in focus.@empiremagazine WHY THE HELL AM I NOT IN THIS PICTURE?"0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34. Ready or not, here I come!" Fibonacci Hide and Sequence
Retweeted by Chris HewittHere's a first look at Matt Damon in our new film The Martian. Enjoy. http://t.co/7poqSBhVeK
Retweeted by Chris HewittShazam, but to see if people in the distance are waving at you or someone else.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@ChrisHewitt The nadir of the series: It Sends You A Direct Message That You Don't See For Ages Because Who Looks At Direct Messages?
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@LGrima The IFCU, that is. I can't believe I fucked up the name I coined.@LGrima The potential of the ITCU is almost limitless.2015: It Follows 2016: It Unfollows 2018: It Manually Retweets 2020: It Blocks And Reports For Spam #ItFollowsCinematicUniverseDid Robin just call Batman a dickhead?! http://t.co/WbMOOTbmeX #DickheadandRobin
Retweeted by Chris HewittI had to punch my Nan 8 times before we finally caught the perfect freeze frame photograph like the one at the end of Rocky.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@chuckmcduck @alex_dunnett This is terribly exciting news. The man's a legend. As is Mel Brooks.@chuckmcduck Blimey, that's amazing. You involved, Mr. McDuck?@HelenLOHara Dear God.@laurenlaverne @stuarthoughton @thepooluk Amazing to see it all coming together. I offer you my greatest 'HUZZAH!'@greg_jenner @john_self Love it. Self-love it.[at interview] "What is your dream job?" *visualises dressing pugs as famous historical characters* Me: HR Manager.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@greg_jenner @john_self I'm closing in on 50,000 tweets. I might hold a huge 50,000th Tweet party, then take a selfie at the crucial moment.@greg_jenner My money's on the first one. Well deserved!@Okeating Absolutely. A big clue is how he always turns up at the scene of the crime. Suspicious.@Okeating It's the guy in the shabby mac.Very happy to announce that i've renewed my contract with asda and will continue working weekends for the near future http://t.co/PKOWnWtncT
Retweeted by Chris HewittThese Beatles albums at @InkwellYork are great examples of how record sleeves had to be awkwardly reworked for tapes. http://t.co/NRlBakhJP9
Retweeted by Chris HewittDCI Putin will be *furious* RT @MatthewS774: @jamesmatesitv: 4 cameras on #Nemstov murder bridge. None was working http://t.co/NEXBmCmYUX
Retweeted by Chris HewittIf you sit on your parents until they go numb, it feels like they're bitterly disappointed in someone else.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@devincf Man says word. I'm holding all available front pages.
Three years to go http://t.co/trsLh5kvvu
Retweeted by Chris Hewitte e cummings did pretty well for a person named after dolphins ejaculating
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@WithoutTheIca It's a tenner, Jess.Seriously, look at it. JUST LOOK AT IT. @flatironsteak http://t.co/m74wofJETnEven though it's just around the corner from my work, I hadn't been to @flatironsteak until today. It's as magnificent as a Coutinho winner.@erichstrat There's no need to. People know. People *know*.
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